Notes "Effective Communication"


  • Communication between spouses can fall into predictable patterns that hinder relationships

Tips for Effective Communication

  • When we communicate, we give out information to people that can be divided into four types: 
  1. Facts, 
  2. Behaviors, 
  3. Emotions, 
  4. Needs and goals
  • It is always easy to listen for facts and behavior. It is more difficult to deduce the emotions and goals. Always ask yourself “what is the emotion or goal behind that?” You can understand the person better
  • Don’t only listen to their words, listen to where they are coming from and how they are feeling
  • Once you reached a point where you can figure out what the emotions are without the person stating them directly, it leads to better relationships
  • Record or tape how you are talking to one another so you can hear how your conversation went. You may think you are communicating constructively but you’re not. Slowly you can change the way you communicate  

The “Harsh Start Up”

  • One of the most damaging forms of communications is called a “Harsh Startup.” It can bring out criticism or sarcasm from partners. They can be overly defensive or stop communicating all together 
  • The harsh startup is when you begin to approach your spouse either in an overly assertive or in an aggressive way 
  • If the other spouse feels threatened or feel pushed back by your startup, they are not willing to engage with you. Some of the things we often do, are starting a conversation with criticism, being judgmental or putting down the other. Those tend not to invite the other person to engage with you
  • Encourage your partner to do that back for you as well so that you feel that your needs and wants are heard. Let them know that “I would really appreciate if you could listen to what I am saying and where I am coming from”

2 Simple Steps

  • Two simple steps can go a long way to improving our marriages. The first is to have a positive attitude about your marriage and to make time exclusively for one another 
  • Pick a time for “me and you” and give that time everyday 
  • Understanding that it is a complimentary relationship will help to communicate. It is not just husband and wife, it is two companions

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