Notes "De-escalation"

Arguments that Lead to Emotional Estrangement

  • Arguments that involve criticism and scorn, can ruin marriages. A key to improving the situation is lowering the emotional temperatures of our disputes 
  • “Vapor lock” is a term used in therapy which describes the moment where you don’t have enough oxygen in the room to be your best self. Develop an understanding of when you or your partner enters vapor lock
  • When you reach that point where you can’t think or process your thinking and emotions, it is best to stop and walk away

Understand How Fighting Affect Us

  • Fights between spouses affect men and women differently. It takes men longer to cool down. Twenty minutes is considered the minimum.
  • Understand and be aware of how long it takes your partner to cool off. Don’t try to press the issue during this time as it most likely to be counter productive
  • When we are angry we are blinded. You do more damage than good when you’re angry. When you’re traumatized, no one listens to you and you do not get your point across

How to De-escalate

  • De-escalate the situation first. If you are upset, settle your anger before you act 
  • When things are getting out of control, do something to soothe yourself. 
  • Some practical tips from Prophetic wisdom include drinking water, making wudu or praying. Also, if you’re standing, sit down. If you’re sitting, lay down
  • When you have a difficult argument, step away for twenty-four hours to allow the emotions and heated feelings to settle down, but don’t let it go for more than seventy-two hours. 
  • This avoids you from doing something hasty without proper thought or reflection
  • There should be no pride within your marriage. You can’t say your too proud to apologize to your spouse

When Both of You are Cool and Calm

  • Reflect about how you argue during moments of calm and what techniques can help you from arguments going too far 
  • Have a conversation about with your spouse about how do we get escalated? 
  • Do we start to yell very loud or do we start to yell over each other? 
  • When you recognize your pattern, talk about what exactly you can do when you get escalated, come up with a game plan 
  • Behavior that helps calm the person down is important and its important to be aware of it during the calm moments so then when the person is angry, they know exactly what to do (e.g., I need to take a walk to calm down)


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